Together
The Journal For The Pathologically Self-Conscious
In this, the third part of our step-by-step guide to rejoining society, guest writer Nigel Volman—a noted contributor to our sister newsletter Delusional Dominating Personality Disorder Monthly—discusses the potential minefield that awaits us when meeting people and making friends.
| In my two previous instalments, I discussed the whys and wherefores of leaving your sad little home, and taking those first, cautious footsteps into the larger world—a world that pays no heed to your freakish attempts to control everything. In this article, I'd like to concentrate on what could be the most important aspect of our program: meeting new acquaintances. |
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Whether it's a reluctant colleague or 'potential' friend, each person who accepts you is another ally in the battle against the old, pathetic you. I'd like to start with some basic pointers, but while you work through the remainder of this article, please to try to remember that each time you meet someone new, it's a chance to be the person you want to be: someone normal.
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| Fig. 1 - Basic Dos and Don'ts |
Do
When being introduced, repeat the name of the person you are meeting...
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But don't
Snigger.
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Do
Repeat their name often...
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But don't
Repeat it too often.
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Do
Shake their hand...
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But don't
Hold their hand.
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Do
Smile...
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But don't
Leer.
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Do
Ask questions...
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But don't
Ask the wrong questions.
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Do
Be honest...
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But don't
Be confessional.
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Do
Listen carefully...
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But don't
Take notes.
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Do
Discuss hobbies and interests...
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But don't
Discuss your hobbies and interests.
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Do
Be natural...
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But don't
Be yourself.
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| Follow our simple steps and you'll be popular in next to no time! |
More Top Tips!
If it helps, try imagining your 'new friend' in the nude. This can help by making them appear less intimidating. I realise that for some of you this technique may make you even more pitiful and tongue-tied than you would be normally, so it's wise, perhaps, to try a few test-runs in a controlled environment.
The editor of this fine publication has informed me that it's quite common for its readers to be critical and even ashamed of their looks. |
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If you fall into this depressing bracket, maybe you can suggest to your 'prospect' that you meet in a dimly lit place: a bar or cinema for example. You shouldn't, as a general rule, follow the example of Kevin R. from Gloucester and ask to meet for an evening stroll in the woods.
Finally, remember: there are plenty more fish in the sea! Your particular bait may not be to everyone's taste, but keep throwing it in! I guarantee: someday, you're bound to get a bite!
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