What if...?

I was on the train the other day listening to the first CD of the Oingo Boingo anthology when I had a funny idea: what would I do if I bumped into head Boing, Mr. Danny Elfman, in the train station as I was picking up a copy of the free paper?

Well, I thought, I'd certainly have to approach him. I'd probably point out what an incredible coincidence it was to meet him here, in my hometown, while listening to his music on my Walkman. Then, seeing as there are a number of shops in the area that sell all manner of audio equipment, I might just have to buy a little Dictaphone and see if I could, just maybe, perhaps persuade the great man to answer a few questions...

MWO: Thank you for taking the time to have a little chat with me in this crappy, little, Irish coffee shop.
DE: [laughs] Really, um...
MWO: Keith.
DE: Really, Keith, it's not a problem. I couldn't really just ignore such a bizarre twist of fate, now could I?
MWO: It's certainly very strange. I must admit, my first reaction was, "It can't be him! What would Danny Elfman, head Boingo and global megastar composer, be doing here in Newcastle?!"

And this would be when he actually tells me what he's doing in Newcastle... Ha! No, really, this is what he says:

DE: Well, uh, Keith, I'm actually here to meet my good friend Tim Burton just along the—oh, look, here he is now!

Actually, that's not what he says. That'd just be stupid.

DE: Well, uh, Keith, as you may know, I've always been very interested in directing one of my own ideas for the big screen. I'm currently, y'know, hunting out interesting locations, and Newcastle has always had such an incredible visual—

Actually, no, that wouldn't happen either. Um...

DE: Well, uh, Keith, the answer may surprise you...

Oooh! This is more like it...

DE: It's become something of a... hobby—or fetish, maybe—of mine to visit movie theatres in different parts of the world to see just how audiences react to my film scores.

No, really, this is what he says!

MWO: Really?
DE: Yes, Keith, really. Live music has always been special to me, and in my current guise as film music composer extraordinaire, this is about as close to experiencing a live audience as I can really get.
MWO: Wow.
DE: Yeah. Not only that, I also find it quite an education. It enables me to see those exact parts that work as I intended, and those that seem to fail, or... not provoke quite the reaction I'd hoped for. It's really a great way for me to hone my, uh, dramatic sensibility, or my understanding of the dynamics of film. And to learn about audiences themselves, of course.
MWO: I see. How many times have you done this, would you say?
DE: Oh, I dunno. I would estimate, say, fifty?
MWO: That many?
DE: About that, I'd say. If you take the current one, Spiderman, as an example, I've been to some showings in London, and—let me see—a couple in Manchester, Telford... a few others. And, of course, a lot back in the States.
MWO: That's amazing. Is this a, um, common practice for score composers?
DE: Well, I really couldn't say. Apart from a few close friends, I haven't really told anyone 'til now. So, this is kind of an exclusive for you!
MWO: What a crazy fucking day. [DE nods in agreement] Has no one else ever recognised you before?
DE: No! [laughs] Really! Well, usually, back home I'll go in with, y'know, a baseball cap and glasses or whatever, just in case. But over here, I never felt the need, because, well Boingo just weren't all that popular here. [looking at the Walkman on the table] Although it seems as though you're finally catching on [laughs].
MWO: [laughing] Yeah, we'll get hula-hoops soon. Okay, I don't mean to keep you too long. I just want to say thank you for agreeing to do this, and putting up with this terrible, overpriced coffee here—
DE: No problem, you're paying! [laughs]
MWO: My pleasure, really. Okay, is there anything you'd like to say to anyone I can get to read this?
DE: Well, I'd like to thank everyone who has seen any of the movies or listened to the albums--
MWO: Or petitioned the Academy!
DE: [laughs] Yeah, that too.
MWO: By the way, I play guitar, you know.
DE: Is that so? You know, I'd be very interested in hearing—

Okay. That part definitely wouldn't happen.

Well, there you go. That is almost exactly what would've happened had I met Danny Elfman in Newcastle last week.
 
  I'm sure I don't need to point this out, but just in case: everything I attributed to Danny Elfman in this fictional interview is totally made up by me. Although, I bet he really does secretly watch audiences. I bet they all do.

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